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| St Vincents Orphanage as it looked in the 1990s |
In 1960, I was four when with my two older brothers we were left at St Vincent's Newcastle by our dad. Nothing in my short life, which had its share of trauma, prepared me for life under this roof. At entry I was the youngest. From almost my first night, I had nightmares, two which like 'Groundhog Day' came in one guise or other each night, every night for many years and even long after I had left the place. But in the orphanage I would wake up screaming, being hit with pillows, the fists of older boys for being noisy, for waking them up. Every night for three years at St Vincent's (and long after) I wet the bed. Each morning, most miserably cold, I would stand stinking of piss next to wet, grimy sheets as the other boys passed me on the way down to breakfast, which was a cup of lukewarm tea and white bread and bit of jam or porridge. The nuns were big on public shaming. The other boys? Liked a jab of a fist or elbow ter a shamed bairn as they went past. In three years I went from a typical outgoing Geordie bairn to a withdrawn, scrawny, scabby and isolated fantasist. I lived inside me own head, a terrifying' place to be with more make-believe than Disney - but none of it pretty or happy ever after. I did not make a friend in that place in the three years I were there. My only escape was going into the outside world to attend school.
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| Inside the dell 2015 |
This was Newcastle in the early 1960's, a working class city with widespread poverty, still showing the effects of the Second World War, the loss of industrial work and the beginnings of slum clearances. One evening, I would ha been aboot six, I agreed to go with some older boys, teenagers, down into the dell. Evenings we were let out by the nuns to 'play', or more run wild. I thought they wanted to befriend me. The dell is a wooded ravine with a stream that ran down the side of the orphanage and went all the way down to the Tyne.
There was an edge to being in the dell as it was where boys smoked, had fights and wanked off. The safest place was to stay in sight of the orphanage windows where at least a nun 'might' be keeping watch. But I went willingly thinking I was being a big man. I was forced to fellatio them, then they buggered me and when finished threw me inta a patch of nettles. I was left lying next to the muddy track amongst the nettles traumatised. I know at the time I cried my lungs out. I don't know what I did afterwards. I remember only I did not want to go back in ta big house. I was shocked. I may have told the nuns I was hurt by older boys but if I did it was more likely I was told off for the filthy state of my clothes. By the age of six I already knew being a cry baby and tellin' the nuns owt was a waste of time as they did not much care and being a scab would have made my already miserable existence more miserable at the hands of bigger boys. I must have bled out of the anus because I vaguely recall being seen by a doctor, a South African with a red bald pate and the nuns saying I had a habit of putting sticks up me bum. And later I may well off, as aged seven, I came out of the daughters of charity run orphanages a wreck of a child., Lying and self harming. I have a memory in Newcastle I told the doctor; boys hurt me, as I remember he was sympathetic. A rare quality in that place. But it was known "I made things up." I don't think the doc saw it as his job to look into it further. In the sixties, people looked the other way and you didn't take much note of what any child had to say. Not compared to the word of a religious sister like!
Also in the Newcastle one of my other brother's was raped and molested by at least two lay brothers, helpers or teachers when taken on trips away from the orphanage. He was also molested by older boys in his time there. He was eleven and twelve. He also said there was nobody you could tell these things to and besides he knew being groped and felt up seemed to be part of what happened on these excursions. A priest had put his hands down my trousers to help me learn catechism. We were not alone amongst the boys in this hell-hole who experienced such things. It was shaming because by the rules of that time and place, you were weak to let it happen and in truth well into adult hood, I blamed myself for not fighting back against those bigger lads, or standing up for myself. As another survivor to this institution told oos much later, to survive you had to stand up for yerself. An' I was never able to do that. Later I asked myself; did the nuns, the visiting priests, the local community, the doctor, visitors know what went on behind the walls of this home? Did the teachers at the juniors school I attended wonder at my strange and erratic, often sexualised behaviour. Didn't we look malnourished and allus perishin', poorly clothed, frightened?
My brother never acknowledged his experience until recently. Over the years I have talked with two men from this institution who went through similar experiences. And what of those who attacked me? What was their earlier experiences, what in the warped way of institutional care made them do what they did and not just to me, an isolated, bairn but to join in an attack with others on someone smaller, weaker. But then bullying on all levels, living in fear was common in the orphanage. There were those who thrived in this environment and were top dogs but not me, I sank and was fortunate to leave there not long after being raped. I do recall the whispers of at least one suicide by an older boy when I was there. It was rumoured he climbed out a window and jumped off the roof. The nuns said he was sleep walking. When I talk ter folk aboot this place and me time there, they don't understand tha the sexual abuse was not the worse of it. In both orphanages the culture of the daughters of charity were ter treat yer like yer were worthless. Yer were left ter fend for yourself against bigger lads and paedophiles that seemed ter be attracted ter places like this. Violence and the fear of it, bullying, being deprived of basic care including decent, sufficient food and warm clothing was routine. But worse was being made to feel deeply ashamed for being dependent on their charity, for being weak and not being grateful for the meagre care you received.
I so badly wanted to hit his smug face. Likewise Cardinal George Pell.
This week in Australia it has been all about Cardinal George Pell giving evidence to the Royal Commission into Institutionalised Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. Mr Pell who holds a very important position within the Vatican Bank is too 'unwell' to travel back from Rome to Australia, even first class, to give evidence about what in his position of seniority within the Australian Catholic Church he knew about paedophile priests. But more importantly; what did he do to protect those who told someone within the church about the abuse they went through. His sick note accepted, he is now being questioned by video link from the Hotel Quirinale in Rome on 29 February 2016. It is with respect I acknowledge the people; survivors and people representing survivors; going to Rome to sit in the same room as Mr Pell, while he gives his testimony.
This week in Australia it has been all about Cardinal George Pell giving evidence to the Royal Commission into Institutionalised Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. Mr Pell who holds a very important position within the Vatican Bank is too 'unwell' to travel back from Rome to Australia, even first class, to give evidence about what in his position of seniority within the Australian Catholic Church he knew about paedophile priests. But more importantly; what did he do to protect those who told someone within the church about the abuse they went through. His sick note accepted, he is now being questioned by video link from the Hotel Quirinale in Rome on 29 February 2016. It is with respect I acknowledge the people; survivors and people representing survivors; going to Rome to sit in the same room as Mr Pell, while he gives his testimony.
I also note the ire expressed by Mr Pell over the alleged leaking of police information regarding an investigation into allegations he molested alter boys early in his career as a priest. He is angry because of the leak and that this matter was dealt with then and showed no substance. With the greatest of respect Cardinal Pell, I would not give a bus ticket for the outcome of any investigation by the Church or even the police, that is if they ever got to see such a complaint in that era. Like the twat at the St Cuthberts (Catholic Care) Diocese (Denton, Newcastle Upon Tyne) I encountered in the 1990s, he knew better than me. Sanctimonious, self righteous, and full of importance but without compassion or understanding that the watch of the Catholic Church in keeping children safe is not an outstanding record of fact. The opposite, there is a history of cover-up across the world and rarely an admission of culpability even when some shit bag confesses and is banged up to rights. So these allegations are a matter which should be investigated by the police and given your long time position you would be better biting off a bit of humility and waiting for the outcome. It is hard to be accused of such a crime but equally it is hard for those who will never have that right to accuse or face those who molested/abused us. To this day I cannot name or identify the boys who raped me.
Maybe Cardinal Pell and Pope Francis may wish to consider that and what may be an appropriate response. Financial compensation is about addressing the damage to lives partly lived through events such as sexual abuse. But it is more the emotional, apologising to the person and accepting responsibility of the harm done. Look those people in the eyes as you give evidence Mr Pell and be sure to tell the truth-after all you have devoted your life to a religion where that is supposed to be a core principle.
See article in Guardian Australia: David Marr: http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/feb/26/the-cardinal-and-the-royal-commission-the-questions-george-pell-must-answer?CMP=share_btn_tw
And St Vincents? Well, I went back with Mrs Belgo Geordie last year (2015) and it is now the Alan Shearer Centere. The ghosts of lost children are truly at rest. It provides supported accommodation for people with significant disability and respite for carers looking after those at home also with major disability requiring often 24 hour care. The staff are gorgeous, compassionate - it is now a place of healing run by people with hearts and souls - living the vocation as it is. You might want to visit Mr Pell, you might learn summat. As for Mr Shearer, a big manly Geordie hug to you for being the person you are. I liked you as a footballer but as a man who has turned a place of pain into an oasis of decency is no small thing. For that Big Al I cannot thank you enough. Boot, I still think you retired a year too early like...
6 March 2016: Postscript Post Pell: Smoke and mirras Mr Pell! Yer may believe you were truthful and yer church think you gave evidence with dignity while under sustained attack. But that were bollocks! For a clever man you made that many Freudian slips that should have had a barra full of psychiatrists reaching for the pill pot and straight jacket. Fact: Yer did not exercise adequate duty of care. When paedophilia was raised with you, you buried it deeper than a dinosaur bone because as you honestly stated: "You were not that interested"! Yer were only interested in the appearance of the Church you serve, first and foremost- puttin' that in front of the rights of nippers to not be abused. Your watch was not a series of coincidences but a raft of reasons for looking' the other way and doing' nowt.
Your evidence was a disgrace. Boot you were a creature of your time, a time when stories from kids of being fiddled with were generally not believed- as we were told in those halcyon days- kiddies lie but priests, well they can only tell the truth and if they've done bad we can allus save 'em by sending them down the line - to carry on doing' stuff that were not that interested in But lets not involve the police - they're bad for business and just get hold of the wrong end - we can sort it in house. Aye, I don't doubt you feel some regret, some remorse but not enough to not blame everyone else for not telling you -when it was in your job description to know and as you went up the greasy crook - do summat to stop it.
So as you return to your day job of counting the Vatican's shekels - consider, the Commission will make its findings and they are likely to weigh and comment on your reliability as a witness. In a secular setting you may not get a Vatican endorsed thumbs up. You may yet be held to account for the veracity of your evidence and your lack of comprehension that as a senior official you had a responsibility to guard the life and well being of all of those under your care. In my view Mr Pell you are a failure as a human being!
Later:
Aye well, I were gobsmacked when the dark prince of the choorch were himself found guilty of sexual abuse. Tha' he is din' sum prison time as I type in February 2019. Tha they sat on verdict fer months so Pell could have his knee done is a disgrace. Like the Vatican still not handing files on child abuse ter polis. If nowt else my hope is this verdict brings some solace to those abused under care of the catholic church - I know fer me, it feels summat like joostice.
Aye, he got out on appeal in April 2020. Sum of his more rabid supporters see this as a victory. I say reflect on this and ask fer the release of the full transcript from the Royal Commission on George Pell. Reflect that finding sexual abuse charges standing oop ter scrutiny 'beyond reasonable doubt' is near impossible. If yer don't think kiddy fiddling were widespread practice in this church and let to run with no punishment, no responsibility ter stop it or care for those abused. Then I pity you. And reflect the churches deep pockets bought Pell the best silks ter argue his appeal. Level playing field? I think not.
Maybe Cardinal Pell and Pope Francis may wish to consider that and what may be an appropriate response. Financial compensation is about addressing the damage to lives partly lived through events such as sexual abuse. But it is more the emotional, apologising to the person and accepting responsibility of the harm done. Look those people in the eyes as you give evidence Mr Pell and be sure to tell the truth-after all you have devoted your life to a religion where that is supposed to be a core principle.
See article in Guardian Australia: David Marr: http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/feb/26/the-cardinal-and-the-royal-commission-the-questions-george-pell-must-answer?CMP=share_btn_tw
And St Vincents? Well, I went back with Mrs Belgo Geordie last year (2015) and it is now the Alan Shearer Centere. The ghosts of lost children are truly at rest. It provides supported accommodation for people with significant disability and respite for carers looking after those at home also with major disability requiring often 24 hour care. The staff are gorgeous, compassionate - it is now a place of healing run by people with hearts and souls - living the vocation as it is. You might want to visit Mr Pell, you might learn summat. As for Mr Shearer, a big manly Geordie hug to you for being the person you are. I liked you as a footballer but as a man who has turned a place of pain into an oasis of decency is no small thing. For that Big Al I cannot thank you enough. Boot, I still think you retired a year too early like...
6 March 2016: Postscript Post Pell: Smoke and mirras Mr Pell! Yer may believe you were truthful and yer church think you gave evidence with dignity while under sustained attack. But that were bollocks! For a clever man you made that many Freudian slips that should have had a barra full of psychiatrists reaching for the pill pot and straight jacket. Fact: Yer did not exercise adequate duty of care. When paedophilia was raised with you, you buried it deeper than a dinosaur bone because as you honestly stated: "You were not that interested"! Yer were only interested in the appearance of the Church you serve, first and foremost- puttin' that in front of the rights of nippers to not be abused. Your watch was not a series of coincidences but a raft of reasons for looking' the other way and doing' nowt.
Your evidence was a disgrace. Boot you were a creature of your time, a time when stories from kids of being fiddled with were generally not believed- as we were told in those halcyon days- kiddies lie but priests, well they can only tell the truth and if they've done bad we can allus save 'em by sending them down the line - to carry on doing' stuff that were not that interested in But lets not involve the police - they're bad for business and just get hold of the wrong end - we can sort it in house. Aye, I don't doubt you feel some regret, some remorse but not enough to not blame everyone else for not telling you -when it was in your job description to know and as you went up the greasy crook - do summat to stop it.
So as you return to your day job of counting the Vatican's shekels - consider, the Commission will make its findings and they are likely to weigh and comment on your reliability as a witness. In a secular setting you may not get a Vatican endorsed thumbs up. You may yet be held to account for the veracity of your evidence and your lack of comprehension that as a senior official you had a responsibility to guard the life and well being of all of those under your care. In my view Mr Pell you are a failure as a human being!
Later:
Aye well, I were gobsmacked when the dark prince of the choorch were himself found guilty of sexual abuse. Tha' he is din' sum prison time as I type in February 2019. Tha they sat on verdict fer months so Pell could have his knee done is a disgrace. Like the Vatican still not handing files on child abuse ter polis. If nowt else my hope is this verdict brings some solace to those abused under care of the catholic church - I know fer me, it feels summat like joostice.
Aye, he got out on appeal in April 2020. Sum of his more rabid supporters see this as a victory. I say reflect on this and ask fer the release of the full transcript from the Royal Commission on George Pell. Reflect that finding sexual abuse charges standing oop ter scrutiny 'beyond reasonable doubt' is near impossible. If yer don't think kiddy fiddling were widespread practice in this church and let to run with no punishment, no responsibility ter stop it or care for those abused. Then I pity you. And reflect the churches deep pockets bought Pell the best silks ter argue his appeal. Level playing field? I think not.
Boot, total respect ter the man who were brave enough ter raise these charges against Pell and his dignified response ter this outcome. He said he is not defined by Pell. I would go further, nor by the catholic church, its hierarchy including current pope. They should be ashamed boot cannae see their ongoing collusion is reflection of their lack of moral core. A club for men behaving badly, why should we be surprised? They appear ter have learned nowt!
Further postscripting May 2020: It has been a hell of a weekend in Belgo Geordie household. I came across the following magnificent blog site "Broken Barnet" with two pieces on other orphanage I were in in Mill Hill, London. It toorns not it were also a St Vincent's run by daughters of charity! (Or charitable sisters fer doing harm). I thought all these years it were St Joseph's, which toorned oot ter be a nearby bible school for catholic missionaries being prepared ter be sent oot ter convert the 'heathen'. A cooking pot and carrots vicar? Nae, St Vincent's Mill Hill were another version of one oop in Tyneside. Mrs Angry has two excellent pieces on torture on bairns as promoted by the catholic choorch as summat tha makes the man or woman prepared fer life ter come.
Aye, well if that were not enough, Mrs Angry's blog site pointed me in direction of the equally impressive Scottish Inquiry into Child abuse and a report on the homes in Scotland (and in particular Smllum Park) also run by the sadists of charity. It were like reading the story of me and my brothers, the voices of others who had been through the same shite at the hands of an uncaring bunch of sanctimonious evil-doers - acolytes of Pell's Army. Hang yer head in shame catholic church and yon bugger who is current pope. If yer had a speck of decency yer would be on your knees begging oos bairns fer forgiveness. Yer would be asking what could yer do ter help those yer allowed ter be damaged in ways that were cruel. They, we, were bairns!
If that were not enough I found oot all three of oos brothers who were in St Vincent's were sexually abused. Aye and that is in context of every other form of abuse that were allowed to go on there as a 'duty of care.' My oldest brother, a fighter, was sent to a remand home from St Vincent's because the nuns could not manage him. At this remand home he was held down by older boys and raped. He only ever disclosed ter me other brother the once in 1967. Fer him who fought everything, the shame of speaking of it were too mooch ter bear. He committed suicide by hanging hiself ten years ago. Me other brother lives in poverty due ter long term chronic fatigue. Survivors of abuse seem prone ter immune system conditions. The demons in his childhood are percolating outa of him as he nears the end of his life. Im trying ter support him while holding myself together at same time.
Aye, well if that were not enough, Mrs Angry's blog site pointed me in direction of the equally impressive Scottish Inquiry into Child abuse and a report on the homes in Scotland (and in particular Smllum Park) also run by the sadists of charity. It were like reading the story of me and my brothers, the voices of others who had been through the same shite at the hands of an uncaring bunch of sanctimonious evil-doers - acolytes of Pell's Army. Hang yer head in shame catholic church and yon bugger who is current pope. If yer had a speck of decency yer would be on your knees begging oos bairns fer forgiveness. Yer would be asking what could yer do ter help those yer allowed ter be damaged in ways that were cruel. They, we, were bairns!
If that were not enough I found oot all three of oos brothers who were in St Vincent's were sexually abused. Aye and that is in context of every other form of abuse that were allowed to go on there as a 'duty of care.' My oldest brother, a fighter, was sent to a remand home from St Vincent's because the nuns could not manage him. At this remand home he was held down by older boys and raped. He only ever disclosed ter me other brother the once in 1967. Fer him who fought everything, the shame of speaking of it were too mooch ter bear. He committed suicide by hanging hiself ten years ago. Me other brother lives in poverty due ter long term chronic fatigue. Survivors of abuse seem prone ter immune system conditions. The demons in his childhood are percolating outa of him as he nears the end of his life. Im trying ter support him while holding myself together at same time.
My brother and I made a submission to the parallel UK inquiry. At least it is now on public record.
Choorch! Der yer really care a spuggy's wet fart aboot the damage yer caused on yer watch? Der yer heck! Yer'd rather spend money on likes of Pell. Likewise message ter Pell's supporters. WAKE OOP TER YERSELVES - its oos that yer should be supporting and owt that will help prevent this happening again. Boot nae, keeping bairns safe were never yer thing when yer can kiss the rings of the illuminati.
I end by saying yer didn't beat me. Ter quote the brave man who took Pell ter his day in court and a brief spell in jail "You do not define me!" Likewise for me, Ahh am still standing strong! A proud and fierce Geordie. The report from Scotland let voices oot ter whisper their story into world. Brave, courageous stories. Me and my brothers stories were confirmed. The culture of the daughters of charity was not a one off aberration in Scotland but repeated across a number of their homes. woven In these other courageous stories we saw ourselves as bairns. We know now we were not alone in what we went through and though many turned away, chose not to see. Yer canna take away what we went through despite trying ter silence oos by telling oos nowt happened.
Aye I went oot ter beach this weekend ter walk and reflect the world is a better place than St Vincents, the Daughtters of Charity, the Society of St Vincent de Paul and all the St Vincent's orphanages and schools. I had Mrs Belgo by my side. The power of the mighty ocean before me and it were summat special, this world of cloud, storm and sea without god. And if I howled from deep inside it was because despite them I am alive.
https://wwwbrokenbarnet.blogspot.com/2013/01/growing-up-in-broken-barnet-making-of.html
Choorch! Der yer really care a spuggy's wet fart aboot the damage yer caused on yer watch? Der yer heck! Yer'd rather spend money on likes of Pell. Likewise message ter Pell's supporters. WAKE OOP TER YERSELVES - its oos that yer should be supporting and owt that will help prevent this happening again. Boot nae, keeping bairns safe were never yer thing when yer can kiss the rings of the illuminati.
I end by saying yer didn't beat me. Ter quote the brave man who took Pell ter his day in court and a brief spell in jail "You do not define me!" Likewise for me, Ahh am still standing strong! A proud and fierce Geordie. The report from Scotland let voices oot ter whisper their story into world. Brave, courageous stories. Me and my brothers stories were confirmed. The culture of the daughters of charity was not a one off aberration in Scotland but repeated across a number of their homes. woven In these other courageous stories we saw ourselves as bairns. We know now we were not alone in what we went through and though many turned away, chose not to see. Yer canna take away what we went through despite trying ter silence oos by telling oos nowt happened.
Aye I went oot ter beach this weekend ter walk and reflect the world is a better place than St Vincents, the Daughtters of Charity, the Society of St Vincent de Paul and all the St Vincent's orphanages and schools. I had Mrs Belgo by my side. The power of the mighty ocean before me and it were summat special, this world of cloud, storm and sea without god. And if I howled from deep inside it was because despite them I am alive.
https://wwwbrokenbarnet.blogspot.com/2013/01/growing-up-in-broken-barnet-making-of.html
Further reading: Look up on web: Scottish Child Abuse Inquiry. Case Study no 1. "The provision of residential care for children in Scotland by the Daughters of Charity of St Vincent De Paul between 1917 and 1981, with particular focus on Smyllum Park Orphanage Lanark and Bellvue Children's Home.
October 2018 and based on evidential hearings. A number of former nuns and others were charged with offences of neglect and abuse from this part of the inquiry.
George Pell: His death was announced on 11 January 2023 and before the rush of those Conservatives calling for the man ter get a sainthood - remember his legacy
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