Are you thirsty Shane? Winning at cricket is such thirsty work boys you deserve a quiet drink*

The Dutch cricket team after celebrating their world cup win...

So Australia won the 50 over tonk world cup against either an overawed or unfocused New Zealand, but nonetheless, a team that had put South Africa to the sword with a six of the penultimate ball and in what was a high scoring and entertaining game. Who was not touched by Grant Elliott, the scorer of the six, then consoling Dale Steyn the bowler rather than indulging in over the top celebrations. But in the final Mitch Starc's brilliant bowling, coupled to the aggression that comes naturally to most Australians when confronting sport and an undernourished opposition; obliterated NZ, the only team to beat Australia in awhile. The revenge was like watching a pelican filleting fish-one gulp and the Kiwis were left a smear of grease, oil and small bones on the carpet of the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The only blight on the night, the unwarranted send offs by Haddin and co including of the graceful Elliott, one of the few Black Caps to perform on the night. As Fitz (see below) aptly described it, an act of collective "fuckwitism" by a team that had no need to be, well, so crass.

Haddin's subtle approach to the sledge

Oh and then there was one Shane Warne's commentary, a one man crusader for boofheadism. Now Shane Warne is without doubt a remarkable cricketer. In retirement he has launched a career as a Botoxed lothario; a cricket pundit man about town who thinks he still one of the lads and lads being the era when drinking, shagging and smoking were the everyday existence of the professional cricketer. Think Philip Tufnell, mate him with Merv Hughes, spray him with Lynx and let 'em loose!
As a commentator he is content to talk bollocks and then some. If that was not enough suffering for those living over in the land of the grey dreary cloud, somebody had the bright spark to let him loose to do the post game interviews on the field. "Are you going to have a bit of a drink?" (Which bit might that be Shane? )"Are you going to get thirsty?" Bloody hell, maybe he still wears a jock strap and it was giving him a bit of gip! "And then just in case we didn't get it-any criticism was to be slam dunked by the #thirsty. I know, as stated earlier, once the greatest bowler, the man now speaks only the profoundest bollocks, most of what he said during the game meets the criteria for being gormless but ICC check the man's brewery shares. It was an obscene obsession by someone giving all the appearance of a recovering alcoholic in a gin factory. It was all about a return to the manly rituals of yore. Get bladdered, stagger into the following days reception looking like junior mafioso on day release from the convent and call it a responsible response to a great win. You deserve a quiet drink mates! Are you Feeling thirsty Haddin or just dirty?

Boys it may have escaped you, being professional sportsman and all there is a problem in Australia (and New Zealand) with binge drinking! The need to drown every celebration (and excuse for celebration) in excessive amounts of turps. And who do you think cricket is pitched at? OK apart from the sponsors. Its our juniors. What did they learn? Responsible drinking? Did they heck! Shame on you lads and Brad Haddin for his return to crap sledging with all the subtlety of standing in a dog turd. What you are promoting is up and down the land kids should be encouraged to identify anyone who is too nice then give them a send off. Black Caps, you get my vote for the dignity you displayed. Overawed, perhaps. Outplayed, most definitely. But winners of the hearts and minds of the young who want to believe that being professional is well, acting responsibly. Hard call I know for the green and gold, but Lehmann and Co, you might want to give it a try.

Shane Warne Channel Boof commentator

As for Warney, keep your day job as a gigolo for hire because like Mike Gatting you left me looking at me uprooted stumps thinking how the hell did they let you anywhere near the commentary box and by your response to people finding what you said dumb and offensive-you have the insight of a gnat. Oops, sorry the gnat said they get it. Guess your on your own Shane on this one.

Thank you Peter Fitz for raising this in your Saturday 'The Fitz Files'. The headline of "The good, the Brad and the ugly" sums up a bleak moment in what was an otherwise entertaining and mostly good spirited competition.


With thanks to the Breughel family and Mr Goya: cricket fans one and all.

*A quiet drink means to drink yourself to a standstill in a manly way. As practised by some rugby league players it can involve urinal gymnastics, golden shower drinks and a lot of bad time on social media.

POSTSCRIPT: 26 February 2017: Following the mighty Australian victory in the first test against India in Pune. No sooner than the words were outta Mr Warne's mouth implying tha he wood ha rather picked an ashtray to spin rather than Steve O'Keefe. Boof Warne had his foot in his mouth commentatin' on this un! Mr O'Keefe aged 32 year old span India out of both innings (so no fluke then Shane?)-were it 12 wickets for 70 runs like? Come ci come sa, like 'The Donald, Mr Warne might like to eat his own undershorts as an adequate apology?